We can all acknowledge that having a creative profession is not easy, right? Someone or something is always out to turn us down, to make us feel like a failure, not worthy and inferior. Oh wait, that's just my own head! Silly me. Yes, those outside influences do exist and they always will. We just get to decide when to cut the emotional guilt cord in our brains that wants so badly to be the boss. Yes it's hard, yes it's terrifying, and yes it's the most rewarding thing I've ever experienced. Who knew the biggest culprit of our fear would turn out to be ourselves?

That's what I gained early this year and that's why I started this blog post with the image above. The image above was taken about 30 seconds after I decided to let myself be myself (photographically speaking). I was suddenly presented with the choice to stop kicking my own ass in my head. Every voice in my head up until this point sounded something like "meh, don't take that photo, someone else already did that and theirs is probably better", "yeah, I like this photo but it probably won't get me the clients that have money", "why can't I just be original?", "Does anyone even see how I'm throwing my soul into this?".

And then something really cool happened. I got that feeling where you can imagine yourself as not part of whatever scene you're currently in. Like you're watching a game of chess unfold, just waiting for the little pieces on the board to make their moves. It was almost comical. It was as if there had been other little voices in my head trying to make their way to the front all these years so I would notice them and finally they screamed loud enough "COLLEEN!!! Oh my god I think she heard us. Yes she did! WOOHOO! Alright let's get to work!"

The next 48 hours were filled with tiny thoughts like "this really does make me happy", "rules? WHAT rules?", "oh wow, THIS is what happy feels like?!", "okay, that's awesome, now what if we tried it this way?", "whether or not anyone else gets it is irrelevant because it brings me joy and I value my own happiness above all else", "true, most things have been done before, but I haven't experienced all of them yet". Having these thoughts is one thing, keeping them is another, and putting in the work is yet another.

I recently heard an experienced photographer tell a group of students that they "don't take bad photos anymore", which I think was nothing other than an awful attempt at proving their own worth to themselves. I then had the honor of having a really wonderful one on one chat with a student. I felt I needed to bring up this particular moment and asked her to never aspire to "never taking a bad photo". It's unrealistic and if that's your only goal you will miss the entire point of creating. I take bad photographs all the time. I also take really awesome photographs all the time because I never stop creating and there is nothing in this world that I don't consider inspiration. Living a creative life is meant to be a journey and that means you keep going. It means you keep creating. It means you take the good, the bad, the ugly, the beautiful, the enchanting, and you love it for all that is is with all that you are because no one else will ever do it for you.

Find your truth. Find your happy. Give it everything you've got. Forget the rest.

I LOVE black and white images. I think they are timeless and soulful. So I've decided that my year in review will be a good mix of client, personal, volunteer, and non profit work, all in black and white.

Thank you for reading. Thank you for being here.

To top off this amazing year, my best friend and partner in crime asked me to spend the rest of my life with him. Is this real life?! Zac, I love everything about you, I love everything about us, and I love everything about the person that you've helped me become.